My Greatest Regret: Act IV

It was a bright and brisk October afternoon. A cool breeze lightly trickled past my face. I stopped walking and looked upwards. Not a cloud in the sky. Good, I thought. I continued walking towards my house from the bus stop.

Fridays are good days to reflect. It's only natural to consider this. At the end of the week, what could be better to look back on the five days that have vanished into nothingness? You scramble hurriedly to assemble all of the wanted memories into neat folders in your brain, while sweeping unwanted and rotting ones out. This Friday, however, I would do even more reflecting than usual.

I entered my house, shut the door behind me, and air rushed out of my lungs like it would out of a deflating balloon. I promptly dropped my backpack and flopped backwards onto the couch.

Three years had passed. Three whole years. I was a junior in high school at Stanton College Prep. Landrum and Ponte Vedra were far, far gone. I had lost contact with all of my old acquaintances- though I kept in touch with Sweeney. They all went to Nease and led different lives than I. I intently gazed at the ceiling fan with little purpose other than to think while looking upwards.

I remembered the old portables, the courtyard, and the basketball court. I remembered going to the woods every other day to explore and look for abandoned shacks. I remembered the learning and laughter.

I remembered Ellie.

I took a deep breath, then resumed my thinking. It pained me. It truly pained me. She was the furthest away of all. The events that took place after the dance collided together into a jumbled nonsense, where I slowly grew away from her while she began to give me less attention. Everything had fallen apart. What was once a harmonious globe of happiness and warmth had shattered into a million shards of guilt, lost desire, and regret. Neither of us could be with each other - so we stopped trying and that was that.

Then I looked ahead at what was to come. The second annual Nease vs. Ponte Vedra football game. Tonight. I would meet and mingle with the old acquaintances, hang out with Sweeney, perhaps see what Jack had been up to for the last three years, and maybe watch a little bit of football. I might see Ellie, but that was entirely up to chance and my own willingness to expend the effort to look for a girl who was now so distant from me. I pushed that thought to the back of my head as I gathered the necessities for a night in cold weather and left my house.

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By the time that I had arrived, all of the tailgating was coming to a close. The indecisive sky was stuck somewhere between blue and purple. The Panther faithful were grilling shark, and the scent wafted through the air toward my car which I was stepping out of. Smells like chicken, I thought.

I began to walk toward the lot where the mass of my old acquaintances were socializing. One of them saw me. I believe it was David.

"Is is that Braden?" The question began to permeate the increasingly chilly lot. Face turned toward each other as to confirm the uncertainty, and eyebrows contorted like inching worms. Several girls swiveled around and daintily waved at me. I smiled a little. The situation was slightly inopportune, but it seemed that they had figured out who the mystery visitor was.

"It is Braden!" Grins greeted me with warm welcome. Ellie had not arrived. Yet.

"You got me." I chuckled and began talking to David, who had grown at least half a foot taller and gained 50 pounds. "So how's school?"

"Well," David paused for a second. "It's just school." He whimsically threw his arms up. "Nothing special. Just a few grades and stuff like that. You know what I mean? Oh yeah! Has anyone been shot at Stanton when you were in class?"

Typical non-Duval student question. "Sure," I responded. "A few bullets even ricocheted off of my drama portable last December." David's jaw dropped and I was pleased at my little lie. Nothing's wrong with making life more exciting for those who wouldn't know the truth otherwise. I walked over to the grilled shark laid out on the bed of the truck. A girl - I believe her name was Jessie - daintily skipped over to me. She had a goofy smile on her face.

"Hey!" She had a prissy little voice. "You're Braden, right?" Her hands were clasped together tightly as she waited expectantly for a response.

She had never spoken a word to me in middle school, but now, three years later, she was acting like she was finally receiving the opportunity to reunite with a long lost friend. "You are correct," I said without emotion. I said no more as to evade a meaningless and potentially awkward conversation.

I crafted my shark burger and feasted. If they told me it was chicken, I wouldn't have known otherwise. I sat down on a lawn chair. No one was here yet that I knew well enough to have substantial conversation with.

Another girl approached me. It was Carrie. Her red hair had intensified its glow since middle school, and she had also become rather attractive.

"Hey Braden!" She sat down next to me. I didn't look her in the eye. I didn't know her well enough to do that right away. "You look different!"

I scoffed a little. Who wouldn't after three years? "Oh, really?"

"Yeah! You're, like, hot now!"

And this is why I go to Stanton, I thought. I couldn't put up with this nonsense for any longer. "Fantastic." I sat up quickly, tossing my clean plate in the trash. I cleared my throat and looked around for someone I knew.

I found Sweeney as I began to walk toward the gate separating the lot from the field. We had seen each other around, so there were no surprises. We knew each other and knew each other well. The cold nipped at my hands, and I took no time wrapping them in the warmth of my pockets.

The players were on the field warming up. We walked over to a convenient place in the stands, and I ignored more people who claimed they knew me.

"So..." I began, "How's Jack been?" I wondered about him sometimes - we hadn't spoken in more than a year.

Sweeney jerked his head up. "Jack? You want to know about Jack?" He appeared perplexed. "Well... I haven't spoken to Jack in a long time."

"Huh?" Sweeney and Jack were best friends in middle school. It made no sense. "Why? I mean, how could you-"

"Jack's sort of drifted away from me, you know? He's become a different person." His expression twisted into one of confusion and horror. "You would hardly recognize him."

"So what does he do now?"

"Well, he has his own little posse." Sweeney looked at me worriedly. "You could say that they're a bunch of d-bags."

"And what about sports?"

"Lacrosse and football."

"Any girls I know that he's dated?"

He uncomfortably laughed, his blond strands of hair frozen to his forehead. "He hasn't done a whole lot, you know... he's been relatively consistent..."

"With whom?"

His as he pulled his hood over his head. He leaned toward me as to tell me a dire secret. "Ellie."

My heart dive-bombed into my stomach. I could not believe it. "How long has this been going on?" My heartbeat intensified and the cold became a non-factor.

"About two and a half years."

No way. One of my best friends from middle school. Dating the only girl that I had any affection for in my past. He didn't even take very long after I left to pounce on his prey. "Whatever," I said. "I don't even know if I'll talk to him tonight."

"I guess that might be a good idea."

I stolidly watched the kickoff of the game. There were cheers and laughter. I folded my arms and burned holes into the back of the person sitting in front of me. The entire reason that I came was to see her again, but now I couldn't even approach her without feeling uncomfortable. She hadn't arrived, but when she did, I didn't quite know what I would do.

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After some thought, I decided that I shouldn't be too upset. If they were happy together, then that was all fine and good. I suppose that there was still some cell, some atom inside of me that still liked her. I needed to meet her again by the end of the night, but I could not approach her when she was surrounded by her friends.

I ought to - had to - reconcile. I needed to make amends with Ellie for the sake of my human sanity.

She had arrived shortly after the second quarter began. She had grown in beauty and posture. She was flashing smiles every which way. She wore a little white body-hugging shirt with a thin green jacket. She let her hair all out, and it was stunning. In her left hand, she held a ticket, and in the right, she held Jack's hand. A fiery desire sparked in the empty, cavernous chambers of my heart. It was déjà vu; in slow motion, her face turned toward mine as she lightly ascended up the stairs. I quickly shifted my body towards Sweeney as make it seem like I was occupied. But she knew. I knew and she knew that I was here, on this frozen bench, and she was there, holding hands with a former friend. It was a portrait which adequately represented the truth. My expression was permanently etched as hopeless and longing, and hers was carefree and confident. And that was simply the way it was.

Shortly after she arrived, Ellie began descending the stairs, and the only thing separating the two of us was Sweeney. Her eyes were looking down at her feet, and one hand slid along on the frigid handrail. I wanted to reach out and call her name. Ellie! I'm here! Come talk with me and remember and live and laugh and-

Regret. She continued on her mission to buy a soda. My silent despair was acknowledged by no one. I had another chance when she was stepping back up. However, she caught sight of an old friend, who was in my opposite direction. I would certainly wait until the game was over.

She was sitting three rows behind me, so I couldn't see her without turning around and spoiling my inconspicuous manner. I vowed that I would meet with her before I left. Tonight. There was no way that I would let myself down twice over the same issue.

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The game passed quickly and without meaning. My interest in it dropped with the temperature. Every once in a while I would glance over my shoulder to see what Ellie was doing. I would pretend to stretch my back, lean backwards, and see that all that she was doing was being contently bundled in an oversized sweater.

Nease won. Students stormed the field in dramatic fashion. Wildly hooting, they raised their arms in delight as if their team had just won the Super Bowl. It was actually a blowout in Nease's favor, but no one seemed to treat it as insignificant. Players, coaches, and students alike formed a mosh pit in the center of the field, jumping and down until they realized that it was rather inappropriate to make such a scene at P.V.'s field.

I was joined by older parents in the act of watching. We were apparently the only ones from the away bench who deemed it proper to not join in the crazed horde. I didn't even attend Nease, or have any allegiance to the school. I had no reason to do anything at all, so I intently observed.

Five minutes passed. I walked down the steps from the stands and spotted an empty bottle of Mountain Dew. The looked up at the clear sky and the bright stadium lights temporarily blinded me. I started to kick around the bottle without motive. The players had formed a huddle and made loud grunts for every point that they had scored - all 45 of them. The P.V. players hung their heads in shame as they slowly ambled to the locker room.

I began to grow impatient. The students were a sea of white on the middle of the field, and they were just starting to disperse. I would never find her. There were hundreds of them. Hundreds. I leaned against the frosty fence, desperately eying the crowd for Ellie.

Damn. They were all walking back to their cars. I couldn't bear it this time. Irony has a sick sense of humor. At the dance, I was looking for her, but when I found her, I hid in fear of the unknown. Now, I was looking for her again. But she would not come find me this time. She didn't even know I was here. I kicked the bottle as hard as I could. I longingly looked back at the crowd again in the hopes that I would find her lovely shape fraternizing with other lucky sons of bitches.

No luck. This was it. I would never see her again. I turned around and faced the entrance gate. I began walking with a steady gait, and a cold slap of wind intruded upon my face.

The wind was picking up, making whistling noises. I couldn't hear much. I was bundled in misery, squinting my eyes to see ten feet in front of me. Darkness was penetrating the world. I thought I heard my name being called. My excitement perked as I whirled around. No one was there. I turned back around in guilty longing.

Then I stopped. Intuition drove me to look once again over my shoulder. I forced myself to take one last glimpse.

"Braden!"

I squinted my eyes, raising my right arm over my head to block the powerful stadium lights from obstructing my view. I could make out a figure in the distance, alone, jumping up and down with wildly waving arms.

It was Ellie.

Her expression was pure ecstasy. I ran to the fence which had once separated me from the mob. I tried to open the gate, but frost held it tightly shut. What the hell, I thought, and I jumped clear over the fence. My frigid breath made a trail like the smoke from a train as I sprinted to her.

Time slowed down, as it always did. She was more beautiful than ever. The lights glimmered in her brown eyes, and she had left her jacket with her friends who were now very far away. She was an angel, too perfect. We could never be together, but we could pretend at times like this that it was a flawless reality.

As we neared, our arms outstretched, I thought, this is how it all should have been. This is what I've been missing. Our embrace was firm and neverending. She clutched at my back and rested her head on my right shoulder. Her body, warm, pressed against my chest. If this isn't real, I thought, then I don't know what is.

I was more happy than I had been in months, maybe years. No words could have satisfied me more than physical recognition. In reality, the hug may have been twenty seconds, but it was an eternity. It was human expression at its finest. Every time I considered ending the embrace, she held me tighter. I just smiled and all of my worries dissipated into the cold October night.

When we finally stopped hugging, I stepped back and once again admired her. She subtly smiled and whispered, "You really needed that." I felt giddy like a small child on Christmas day.

"Yes," I responded. "Yes I did."

And so we talked. Most of the people had filed out of the stadium during the discourse, but none of this mattered. It was just like old times. She was doing well. She asked how Stanton was going. I told her that IB was killing me. The weather was arctic, but the warmth of her presence shielded me from the elements.

We felt that nothing could stop us then. I could tell that she was not satisfied with her relationship with Jack. I began considering if it was a bad choice to attend Stanton. Perhaps I should have gone to Nease and just spent my time with her. There was never an unexciting moment to our lives when we were together.

Suddenly, the stadium lights shut off. It was pitch dark. We laughed and made our way out. I was about to ask her what she was doing this weekend when she said, "Well, I have to go to Jack's now. He wanted to show me something for homecoming. You know that's tomorrow."

I didn't want to leave her. "Yes, of course I know."

She giggled. "You're funny, Braden. Looking good, too. Maybe we'll meet again.

She started to open her car door. My heart sank.

"Wait! Ellie!"

She turned her head, expectantly waiting. "Yes?"

"I-I-" I couldn't find the right words. I sighed heavily. "Ellie, I just wanted to say that I've always thought that you were a wonderful person, and-" I paused again.

"What is it?"

"I love you."

She smiled at me, and said, "Braden, you know that was a long time ago. The times have changed. It was great seeing you, and I hope that we can see each other more often."

Reality slapped me across the face. She didn't even have to touch me. "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you around then." I wouldn't. "Have fun at homecoming." I gave a little wave, and my trademark smile. She returned the gesture and shut the door.

It was all over. I had made my amends and settled my troubled mind. I decided that I would never see her again. It would only be right to the order of the world to do so. And that was that.