Infection

Shimmering heat waves in the chill of the night

Oxymoronic, a spaceship in flight

How can I comprehend if I wake or I sleep?

The warmth of the shallow, the lure of the deep

Mysteries are like poison, they sing siren songs

How many rights do I need to undo all my wrongs?

If the first step is even admitting they ache

Do I anesthetize, do I feel my heart break?

And the reasons seem off, it’s subconscious and true

Does it even exist, what’s the goal I pursue?

This is purgatory, my path lies ahead

Though the unfamiliarity fills me with dread

This is too little, I know I need more

Why does shallow mean shameful, this heat I abhor

Is unraveling thoughts, am I growing or worse,

Am I realizing that all this life is a curse?

What’s the point? Surface seems to be all I can travel

The threads are too loose, my world starts to unravel

I wish I could find something deep, at the core

Or will I simply wash up on oblivion’s shore?

The mundane seems illusory, just a distraction

Day in I act, day out, get a reaction

Can you blame me for seeking respite, an escape?

I just need taking over, mentality rape

The tears just wash anger, they roll down my face

And they mask all the pain, they attempt to erase

System failure, but what if I keep going on?

After all, who’s to know if I don’t say what’s wrong?

That’s the heart of it; god, how I hate how I live

(There’s a joke- if there’s god, he’s got nothing to give)

Once again, seemingly full, just a shell

Of false promises; burn them for fuel in my hell

And this heat without light makes me question; oh shit

Contemplation is easy to start, hard to quit

Just like anything else that goes under the cover

Of labels: connector, or daughter, friend, lover

And this itch I can’t scratch, it lies under the skin

But here I am stuck way outside, no way in

They tell me to remedy, want to refuse

I need a solution that won’t make me choose

Between self-respect and my ideals and needs

Because discontent doesn’t die out, it just breeds

And I’ve learned through my trials that it’s hard to ignore

What’s the cure? I’m so damn sick of being unsure

I’d set myself on fire to get rid of this ache

Would I burn, would I melt? But how much could I take?

Need some mental camaraderie, trying to find

Something sharp to pierce through this infection of mind.